


A JB Sex Scene That Even Reddit Will Understand

by SeeThemFlying



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M, I have been GRRM this whole time, In a loving way ofc, Me Taking the Piss out of the Books, Parody, Smut, ridiculous smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:53:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29756442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeeThemFlying/pseuds/SeeThemFlying
Summary: Hi, I am George Raymond Richard Robert Roger Rathburt Martin. I know I've taken a while to finish "The Winds of Winter", so I thought I'd just drop the JB/Braime sex scene on AO3 to keep up interest. I hope you enjoy :)(A JB Sex Scene Parody)
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Comments: 91
Kudos: 163





	A JB Sex Scene That Even Reddit Will Understand

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this derived from several conversations that happened on the JB discord. I totally stole "Brienne, I love you romantically and that's why we're having penis-in-vagina intercourse at this precise moment in time" from Chicky.

**THE WINDS OF WINTER. BRIENNE VI.**

Given that she and Jaime were finally about to have sex, Brienne could not help but wonder if the author had made a massive mistake by telling this important narrative beat in her romance arc from her perspective rather than Jaime's.

"Jaime," she moaned, as he sucked a possessive hickey into the freckled skin of her neck, just above the rope burn that was a physical symbol of her love for him. "Jaime, can you stop a moment?"

He pulled away pouting, allowing Brienne a brief moment to look down at his body, which was as muscled as a maiden's fancy. She briefly wondered where the hell she had got that simile from, because it sounded as if it had been composed by someone who had no idea what made a man sexy (clue: forearms, a nice voice, and swagger). However, she quickly expelled that intrusive thought from her mind when she remembered Jaime was butt naked in front of her in the middle of the forest.

"What is it, Brienne?" Jaime asked, a concerned expression crossing his face. "My love, mon amour, mi amor, маё каханне (that's _my love_ in Belarusian by the way, I thought it was important to emphasise the point in multiple languages). What could possibly induce you to want to stop the consummation of our love that we have been slowly building towards for the last three-and-a-half books?"

Brienne blinked, surprised. "Have we really been building to this for the last three-and-a-half books?"

"Of course," replied Jaime with a smile so bright it nearly blinded her. "It all started in the boat in Jaime I of _A Storm of Swords._ In my internal monologue, I kept commenting on your body. The imperceptive reader might put it down to me just thinking you are _uggglaayy,_ but a reader who understands textual subtly and romance tropes would deduce that, in fact, I'm really into muscly women... particularly you." He let out a nervous little laugh, perhaps surprised by his own honesty. "I also purposefully gift-wrapped Oathkeeper in silk before I gave it to you, so I could make some super subtle penis-in-vagina imagery."

Brienne swallowed, finally putting the pieces together. "Ohhh, is that what that was about?"

"Yes," said Jaime. "So if we could now get back to some _not so_ subtle penis-in-vagina imagery, that would be great..."

Jaime leant in to kiss her again, but Brienne held up a hand to stop him.

"Please, can we wait a moment."

"Of course," said Jaime, even though his very stiff penis was very stiff (very, very stiff, aka. he had a big ol' erection), showing his desire for her. "But why, my love? Don't you want me?"

Sensing his vulnerability, Brienne lifted her hand to his beautiful face and stroked his cheek, wanting to give him comfort.

"Of course I want you, Jaime. As you said, our romance arc has been building for three-and-a-half books now."

"Then what is it?"

She sighed, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. "I'm just worried that if this is told from my POV, some people will twist this scene to imply that you are thinking about someone else while we are doing it. There would be less doubt about the authenticity of our love if our first sex scene was told from your perspective."

Jaime smiled at her - sweet and affectionate - then tilted his head to kiss her palm.

"Alright, sweetling," he said, "we can tell this from my POV, if it would make you more comfortable."

Brienne returned his smile. Gods, she loved that he was being so generous to her for their (and her) first time.

**THE WINDS OF WINTER. JAIME VIII.**

If Jaime had learnt anything by getting naked with Brienne in the forest, it was that a nice pair of Double D's were not the be all and end all. Actually, he quite liked Brienne's A cups.

"But..." she stammered as he took one nipple into her mouth. "Men only like conventionally attractive Visenya Secret Models. You don't expect me to believe that you (or the reader) see me as an object of desire, do you?"

Jaime nodded then tried to speak, but he found it a little difficult because he had a mouthful of tit. "Brieejhhheeee oooooo arrreee reaayyyy seeeexxxttt."

"What?"

He huffed, extracted his mouth, then looked up at her. "Brienne, you are really sexy. I even got a boner for you at Harrenhal."

"You did?" she asked, her eyes going wide.

Jaime nodded.

"I did, which was pretty incredible when you think about it as I had sepsis at the time, which means that boner popped in spite of really low blood pressure. I must have been really, _really_ horny for you."

Brienne shook her head disbelievingly. "But... but... you also didn't die of an infection when you lost your hand, which may just imply germ theory doesn't apply across the board in Westeros, in the same way that planetary orbits and human genetics are slightly screwed up, so maybe that was just a random boner caused by the author not really getting how things work..."

"Brienne," said Jaime somewhat forcefully. "I may not know why Planetos has the most erratic orbit ever, but I do know that I love you, that I am sexually attracted to you, and that all my blood is currently in my dick not my brain, so I would really like to get down and do the dirty. Is that okay?"

Just by looking at the way she nervously bit her lip, Jaime could see that Brienne was still worrying about the way she looked, Ron Connington, Septa Roelle, Cersei, and all those other subtle character moments that had been woven into the text to give their first time just as much poignancy for her as it would for him. As he encouraged her down onto the cloak that he had laid on the ground to serve as their bed, Jaime suddenly felt guilty. Brienne's place in his character arc was often given so much more consideration this his place in hers - in fact, some even thought that she didn't have an arc, and that her POV was all about worldbuilding or seeing the suffering of war experienced by the smallfolk - and he wanted to rectify that somehow. He did not want there to be any doubt that this was it for him now, that Brienne was the only woman he loved.

"Brienne?"

"Yes?"

"I'm going to give you the Lord's Kiss now."

Brienne blushed furiously. "What's that?"

Jaime pressed a kiss onto her cheek and let out a little laugh; his wench could really be so naive sometimes. "In case readers have forgotten what happened in that cave between Jon and Ygritte in Jon III from _A Storm of Swords,_ the Lord's Kiss is cunnilingus... pussy eating... chowing down. Whatever you want to call it, I'm going to show you how much I care about you by actually putting your sexual needs ahead of my own."

Given the way her eyes went wide, Jaime could not help but enjoy the way Brienne seemed flustered at the thought of being put first. A fundamental character trait of hers since _A Clash of Kings_ had been her tendency to be self-sacrificial, so Jaime thought using their first sex scene to challenge the way she had been conditioned to express her love was only to the good.

In spite of her surprise, Brienne eventually managed to speak.

"I've only got three things to say to that."

"And they are?" asked Jaime, raising a teasing eyebrow at her.

Brienne held up her hand in order to count them off. "One: how the hell do you know what happened between Jon and Ygritte in _A Storm of Swords?"_

Jaime shrugged nonchalantly. "News gets around."

"Two: you can't say _pussy eating_ or _chowing down._ They are colloquialisms that don't fit in our pseudo-medieval world."

"Does it look like I give a shit?"

Brienne shook her head disbelievingly, even while laughing softly. "No. When have you ever given a shit?"

"Precisely," grinned Jaime, even while thinking that actually he had always given a shit, it was just hidden under layers of sarcasm, and that it was important to reinforce that idea via the internal monologue, or people would not pick it up. "And what was your third point?"

Having been slightly distracted by the fact he was now delicately petting her pubic hair - the same pubic hair he had been so entranced by in the bath - it took her a few moments to answer. "Three: do you think we should switch back to my POV for me experiencing the joys of sexual congress for the first time? It is probably an important point in my character arc."

Jaime thought about it for a moment, then quickly agreed.

"Good idea, Brienne. We do want to reinforce that you have a character arc in your own right and that you are not just a camera on legs."

Brienne looked at him confusedly. "What's a camera?"

"No idea," laughed Jaime, leaning in for a kiss. The things he thought, the things he said, and the things he did were often entirely in contradiction, after all.

(And that was a purposeful narrative device utilised by the author in order to render Jaime a complex and intriguing character).

**THE WINDS OF WINTER. BRIENNE VII.**

As it turned out, Brienne soon discovered the Lord's Kiss was absolutely fucking incredible.

"Totally a symbol of our love," smirked Jaime when he finally came up for air. "Did you enjoy that?"

"Yes, oh yes!" cried Brienne, running her fingers through his soft, sexy hair.

Smiling triumphantly, Jaime moved up her body to settle between her legs, his fat pink mast brushing against her Stormlander swamp. The sight of him straining and wanting for her set Brienne's body aflame, and almost banished all her doubts.

"Will you let me?" he asked, nudging her cunt with his cock. "Will you let me inside?"

Septa Roelle had long tormented her with the idea of losing her maidenhead being akin to childbirth, so Brienne was terrified of the pain. Nevertheless, her desire for Jaime was stronger than her fear, so she opened her legs wider and nodded. "Yes, Jaime. I want you... both sexually and romantically, if I haven't made that clear already."

Jaime smiled softly at her before sliding inside, taking care to be gentle.

"I told Peck that sweet words and kind touches were the best way to treat a woman in bed," he said, bringing his hand to Brienne's face. "So I am just confirming that as a bit of foreshadowing right now, so here are some sweet words and kind touches."

"Thank you."

Wrapping her arms around him, Brienne began to kiss Jaime as they started to make love. She had never imagined that something this beautiful would ever happen to her, considering the crippling self-esteem issues that had always been a fundamental part of her character. Therefore, she began to doubt that he really meant it, especially considering his history.

"Jaime?" she gasped desperately, finding it difficult to speak over the feelings coursing through her body.

"Uh huh?"

"Why are we having sex right now?" she panted. "Like... what does it all mean?"

Not stopping his thrusting, Jaime gave her a quick kiss before answering. "Brienne, I love you romantically and that's why we're having penis-in-vagina intercourse at this precise moment in time. Okay?"

Although she was almost lost in the moment - Jaime was the sexiest man in the Seven Kingdoms, after all - Brienne had the presence of mind to ask him a question. She (and the readers) needed reassurance. "Does it also mean that you won't return to your sister? Because I think if you _aren't_ returning to her, this important emotional character beat is too important to leave to the subtext."

"But I literally burnt her letter at the end of my last chapter in _A Feast for Crows,_ and then ran off with you when you told me some bullshit story about the Hound in my only chapter in _A Dance with Dragons._ I know it's been ten years and one rather poorly adapted show since the last book, but what more do people want?"

"A public statement," said Brienne, opening her legs wider to accommodate his rutting. "One of those planes with a big sign? Neon lights? Oh yes... right there... that's so good..."

Jaime laughed, deep and throaty. "Don't worry," he panted in between thrusts, perhaps enjoying the fact he was getting his rocks off with the woman of his (literal) dreams. "Instead of actually writing the book, the author has spent the last ten years on twitter getting very sick and tired of bad internet takes. He's therefore decided not to leave the significance of this moment to the subtext, or even the text itself, but to take a momentary pause in the usual third-person limited POV structure to make it clear via the supertext."

(NOTE DIRECTLY FROM GEORGE RAYMOND RICHARD ROBERT ROGER RATHBURT MARTIN, THE AUTHOR OF THESE BOOKS AND THEREFORE BASICALLY GOD. PLEASE TAKE THIS COMMENT WITH THE UTMOST SERIOUSNESS: Jaime is not going to return to Cersei. Please don't go on reddit or tumblr, dissect this statement at great length, add a sprinkle of the show, and come up with some bullshit unrelated to what I've actually said because it suits your narrative. JAIME. LANNISTER. IS. OVER. HIS. TWIN. SISTER. CERSEI. Geddit? Gracias.)

Climbing towards her orgasm, Brienne only gave a cursory thought to wondering what twitter was before focussing on the fact that she and Jaime were having PIV intercourse (the only type of intercourse that counts in the eyes of _some people_ because it is heteronormative). As his thrusts became more erratic, she could see that Jaime was slowly losing himself to the feel of being inside her, of being _with_ her. She reached up to touch his face, wanting to be even closer.

The feel of her hand pushed him over the edge. Jaime gasped as if he had been punched and Brienne felt a hot jet burst inside her. It took her a few seconds to realise what had happened.

"Jaime!" cried Brienne, overwhelmed and floating on air. "You came inside me."

He smiled at her, incapable of looking guilty while he was still inside her. "Yes, I did. You'll probably get pregnant. Heterosexual relationships in fiction are normally felt to be more meaningful if a sperm fertilises an egg, so I did that to give our love more metaphorical weight."

"Oh right."

"And I also had this prophetic dream once where you were naked and there were burning swords and shit that probably had some sort of hidden meaning about you carrying on my legacy," he said, looking a little proud of himself. "As leaving the meaning of 'legacy' to the subtext is probably a little dubious given the level of textual analysis skills certain sections of the fandom, getting you up the duff is the easiest way to demonstrate that our relationship is super important to me and to the greater narrative and thematic trajectory of the story at large."

Although all this new information was slightly bewildering to Brienne, she just nodded and gave him a timid smile. "Okay. Cool. As long as I don't need to go and get moon tea or anything."

"No, don't worry about it," said Jaime, moving off and out of her in order to get up and retrieve a blanket from his saddle bag. "The author is always a bit vague about what moon tea actually does - whether it prevents pregnancy, works as an abortifacient, or just eases period cramps - so I wouldn't bother if I were you. And again, the whole getting pregnant thing would make it really, really obvious that our relationship is meaningful in a way me saying _I love you_ won't."

Even though Jaime's words were oddly scientific, Brienne had never been so heart-warmed in her entire life, so she looked up at him eagerly. "Are there any other ways we could possibly hammer home the importance of our relationship to any outside third parties that might be interested?"

Jaime thought about it for a moment, then came to sit down beside her. Wrapping the blanket and his arms around her, he gave her a tentative little smile. "We could snuggle?"

"Snuggle?"

"Yeah, snuggle," he said. "PIV sex will just be rationalised as me wanting to get my end away while I am separated from my twin, but if we _snuggle,_ surely even Stannis the Mannis fanboys will realise what we mean to each other."

Brienne worried her lip between her teeth. "Are you sure?"

"No," said Jaime with a laugh. "I don't think we are ever going to persuade some people that we are the romance of the series, but I would like to snuggle with you anyway... if that is alright."

She gave him a smile that banished the darkness.

"Alright, Jaime. We can snuggle." To confirm the point, she wrapped her arms around him. It felt so natural, as if the physical intimacy they had shared since their time with the Bloody Mummers had been set up to underscore how naturally they fit together. "You did jump in front of a bear for me, after all."

As she raised the key plot points of Jaime VI from _A Storm of Swords,_ Jaime grinned at her affectionately. "And you know I didn't just do that to underscore how I was making a slow transition back towards knightly values, right?"

"You didn't?"

"No," he said, before kissing her cheek. "It was also meant to demonstrate my feelings for you, in the exact same way as punching RonCon's lights out in Jaime III of _A Feast for Crows_ was also meant to demonstrate my feelings for you."

"Did you think about your feelings directly in your internal monologue?" Although she tried not to doubt their love, Brienne was looking for textual support for her feelings. Excessive quoting was the only way to persuade people, she found. "Otherwise people are really not going to pick up on it."

Jaime's expression went a bit blank for a few seconds as he journeyed back into his past, mulling over what he had thought then. Wanting to bring him back into the present, Brienne carefully kissed his temple. He turned to look at her, his eyes a little sad.

"I don't think I did, my lady... but do you know what?"

"What?"

"I don't think anyone can misunderstand the snuggles as anything else but love," he said, drawing her closer to him. "So let's just do that. Let's snuggle."

She giggled, overwhelmed by his loveliness.

"Okay, let's do that."

**Author's Note:**

> Of course this is a parody. I promise it came from a place of love, for both the fandom and the books.


End file.
